Thursday, May 31, 2012

May Confessions

I originally saved this post as "April Confessions" then never posted it. Then I had it labelled "May Confessions" so now I'm determined to sneak it in under the wire. Here we go...

1. I'm kind of over Stadium Concerts - I realize that this kind of makes me sound pretentious. I'm just starting to think the whole thing is a little overrated. I mean, its impossible to see the musicians, it costs $100 for balcony seats, and you're stuck in your seat with lame aisle lights shining on you (okay, not every time but this does happen). And sure, you could pay $100 more to see the band, and be closer to the action, but that's kind of insane. I know it's really indie to say that $30 concerts are the best thing ever. But I'm starting to think it might be true. It's just hard to get that concert magic on a huge scale like that. I'm not saying I won't ever go, it's just not going to be frequent.  

2. I've been listening to One Direction - so before you start thinking I'm a total indie music snob. Yes, it's true. I don't know what it is, but I need that One Thing.  You just lost any respect you had for me right? But hey it's kind of catchy and I'm not too pretentious for pop music. This British round of boy bands (One Direction & The Wanted) is kind of rad.

3. George Clooney may be loosing his top spot. I don't know what's happening but my top hollywood man-crush title might be going to someone else. And I have to say, it's feels unexpected and strange. I didn't see it coming at all. But that's how love works sometimes isn't it? 

4. Most of the traditional reasons to have children are totally lost on me.  Yup, it's a doosey. Some of the popular reasons I've heard - "you're going to be all alone when you're old" or "you get to see what your child will look and act like" seem pretty ridiculous to me. I could give you a speech why both of those reasons seem unbearably selfish to me. So I've started my own list - which is probably equally ridiculous but at least I believe in it. Don't go jumping to conclusions about us having children here please. Because at this particular junction, I think the opposing list is still much longer, but it's a start at least. I probably opened a giant can of worms on this one, but there you have it.

5. I really hate conversations when you have to ask all the questions. This week I was trying to evaluate why this one conversation I had felt so flat. After debriefing it, the answer came - it was because the other person didn't ask any questions. I tend to ask quite a few questions in conversation. In fact when I enter new social territory (it was marriage before, now it's babies), I feel like I need to make sure I have a good line-up of questions ready to go. I know that is the extreme end, and some people aren't natural question askers (Matt claims he isn't a natural at it). But there's something about at least attempting that I think makes all the difference. It shows that you care about what they're about, and you want to know more. I've heard the "they'll tell me what they want to tell me, I don't need to ask the questions" position before. I get that in theory, but I stand before you - as a classic "heart on my sleeve" individual and I don't even want to start talking your ear off with things you didn't ask me. So maybe it's worth the ask? End rant.

So there we have it. Another month of confessions. April missed, but May under the wire. I'm always a little afraid to hit "publish" on these posts, but I do it anyway. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012


So two things happened this week:

1. I went to a "alumni night" at my old youth group 
2. I got an invitation to my high school reunion 

And this got me thinking/talking about life in high school. It's amazing what the different reactions are when you get invited to a reunion. Some people passionately don't want to go back and re-live those terrible memories, and some people can't wait to go back. And it's not always who you would expect to be in each of those camps. 

Bu in any case, these type of events bring back memories, and you start to remember who you were. And some of those memories are fun, and some are not. In the parking lot tonight after the youth reunion, we talked about how in high school it's easy to get trapped into having to be one thing...

the quiet one, the social one, the partying one, the funny one, the academic one, and the list goes on.

And as much as we emphasize individuality all the time, it's like you haven't learned the complexity of identity yet in high school, so you stick with your little mold even if you are pretty sure you are more than it. 

And then there's me, I'm in that camp that hesitates to go to my high school reunion. I don't like the thing I was there, it wasn't me all. I have a friend from high school - who only knew me in that social context - and she told me last year that she thought I was an introvert. If you know me for 10 seconds you know I'm not an introvert. And I realized, that was the only place she knew me - in the high school social environment, where I wasn't myself at all. 

So now I don't want to go back. I don't want to have to explain that I became a teacher, and now I'm not teaching anymore. I don't want to explain that I am trying to sort it all out. I don't want to feel like that lonely kid in a giant building again. I don't want to explain this non-linear life. I want an easy packaged answer, but I don't really have one. But as my very wise friend said in the parking lot tonight:

Maybe having an easily packaged answer at your high school reunion is just the adult version of living out a teenage stereotype

Kind of brilliant right? So there you have it, that's my thought for the night. Maybe it's okay if our paths are a little less linear than we'd like, because we're discovering that we're more than one thing. Now if I can only bring myself to RSVP....